Anxiety.

I cannot let my anxiety rule my life! Two quotes I need to hear:

"Its not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it." Hans Selye

"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained." Arthur Somers

I am so sorry to the people who I have hurt or ignored. Stress is not an excuse.

Although I am encouraged by all of the wonderful things in my life, I have no idea why I feel the need to sabotage the people in my life I care about the most.

This semester has been extremely stressful but I honestly think out of supreme selfishness - I've seemed to make it worse. It stops right now. I can't keep putting off wonderful friends and family in my life because I am just "too busy" or "too overwhelmed". I don't want to continue the pattern of self-sabotage. I really want to be free from anxiety.

Again to my family, friends, and boyfriend - I am so sorry for the way I have treated you, please know that I am working on it.

And to myself - it's going to be okay.

And to anyone else who struggles with anxiety - please know you are not alone. you are not crazy (well maybe just a tad) God does not make perfect things imperfect. we need to trust that "he will make all things right according to his good will". This is a new day, a new beginning, a new adventure.

Feeling Restless

Lately I have had a feeling of restlessness. I can't really define it. I am graduating with my bachelor's next semester and then planning on getting my master's, hopefully completing it in two years. But I find myself listless.

There are a couple of things right now that I am passionate about: travel, writing, cooking, film, and UFC.

I have this ache in my heart that I am wasting my time. I hope that what I am doing right now is beneficial for me in the future. But I am not so sure.

I just recently watched an interview with one of my favorite MMA fighters, Georges "Rush" St. Pierre. This guys is smart. Like really, really smart. I think anyone who knows what they want to accomplish in life, set out (fear of failure on heart), and do it, is worth at least a slow, polite handclap, followed by an awe-inspired stare, then jealous longing, finally a let's go to YOUTUBE and get distractingly happy again... yikes.

My problem is not lack of want, passion, desire, or even drive. I can work really hard. My problem is I am a perfectionist and if it's not perfect then I tend to runaway, cowardice is fear weakened. I desperately wish that what God has planned for me would land in my lap and allow for the immediate stall of all the silly and insignificant things I am currently doing in my life and re-direct this crazy brain of mine to some glorious new adventure.

There is a quote by Oprah Winfrey that says you know you are doing something you are passionate about when you would be doing it for free. That struck me to the core, because I still have not found this passionate endeavor. I have put my best foot forward for other peoples' dreams and passions, slowly aching and jealous by their drive, silently cheering them on with each small victory, and joining in their sorrow over missed opportunities or small hiccups.

I love that I am able to join in someone's passions: Vicki Ellis' Heritage Ranch, Matt Slack's AV Solutions, SELU's Center for Faculty Excellence and now Dr. Hanson's Digital Humanities. I have learned so much from these individuals and companies, some more pleasant than others, each one I have gained a tremendous amount of knowledge, fortitude, and insight. In all of them I fear that my inadequacies and self-doubt enabled a bumpy and sometimes tumultuous life, filled with stress and anxiety. Maybe that's just how I roll, I don't know.

But what I do know, is that those things were wonderful and I am glad I was able to help push their dreams along, I loved being apart of things really grand. Looking at my pending graduation, I have come to realize that I am in desperate need of a dream worth striving for. I am ready and willing, filled with tools, knowledge, wit, and I hope a little bit of courage.  Here's hoping for the door to be opened, smack me in the head, and God's gentle push through.

Exploring Louisiana

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; 

the wise grows it under his feet.” – James Oppenheim

Reading travel blogs, teachers teaching abroad, has left a deep lingering feeling of want. I have always thought of traveling as some sort of holy and mesmerizing experience in which questions are answered, self-awareness is gained, and new experiences guarantee kindred spirits.

I stare for hours looking at pictures of exotic places. Wishing I could be the one in those pictures, feeling those feelings, eating that delicious food, laughing with beautiful people.

I think we all think it takes leaving a place arriving at another place will evoke such wonderful life. But I realized today, living in South US of A, Louisiana, could be a perfect place to gain a different aspect on culture.

Being from the capital, Baton Rouge, I often complain of too little culture, whatever that means. One relatively short drive I can go to New Orleans, where food, partying, and rich history is of abundance. Another short drive north, I could reach St. Francisville, a beautiful sleepy town, full of azalea bushes, bent oak trees over winding roads twisting and turning until you reach a beautiful plantation home.

I realize I have never been anywhere North Louisiana, and that's sad. I do want to travel around the world, but I do not have to see other countries as the only means to gain insightful wisdom and gain long-term lasting friendships, or short-term life-altering encounters with people.

I can travel in my home state, and experience all it has to offer. My happiness does not lie in distant places but in the place I call home. So from now on, every month, I will take a day trip to travel to at least one city in Louisiana that I have never been to. Wish me luck on these thrilling, insightful explorations. :)

Anderson Silva Loses His Title... Holy freakin Moley

Wowwwww.....

I was not anticipating Saturday night to end that way. For atleast four years I've been not so silently despising the UFC Middleweight Champ. Is he still the GOAT? Absolutely. Do I still hate his guts? Absolutely.

I'm not particularly concerned one way or the other as to who beat Anderson Silva. Being that he had zero amount of respect towards Chris Weidman made the TKO even sweeter... revenge for the dismal way he treated Damian Mia!!! :D

At the same time that the beautiful left hand sunk in, I couldn't help but think I was watching some kind of Mortal Kombat video game.... As Silva's knees buckle, body swaying... I hear "FATALITY". And I screamed.

No literally I was in Hooters screaming my a$$ off. I just couldn't believe it. The one thing I've wanted to see over these years. Every time he fought someone I liked hoping that they could end the smug, otherworldly, easy as pie finishes.

Was it fixed? No I don't think it was fixed and I even don't think he necessarily wanted to lose, subconsciously maybe; consciously, I don't think so. I think that Silva wanted to hand off his belt and either wanted to lose by the way he always won... cocky and confident. I don't think he wanted to get knocked out though.

I sure am glad it happened. Do I want to see a rematch? The answer is Yes and No. Yes, to determine whether it was a fluke hit. No not because I believe it was a fluke hit but because I believe 8 out of 10 times Silva wins that fight. And the fight with GSP and the fight with even John Jones ( I know call me crazy).

WHAT?! You hate that guy?!?! Yes I do. But it doesn't take away the fact that I do believe he is still the GOAT. Period.