Here it goes... I'm Turning 30 and I have absolutely nothing to show for it...

Well that's not entirely true. I have two dogs. A car that I don't own but it's pretty new and makes me feel pretty fancy when I drive it. It also makes me feel like I have my shit together.

Or at the very least it appears that I have my shit together.

I'm reading back each blog post that I did, most of which I didn't do and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

The one about exploring Louisiana? I haven't done that and am in fact considering moving to Colorado hoping to, I don't know, find myself I guess. Which as I write that down sounds pretty pathetic.

And feeling restless but wanting to do GREAT things? Welp, I'm still feeling restless so there's some consistency! But great things have not been accomplished. Not yet but maybe someday. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week.

What about the 30  books before I'm 30? Surely I must have accomplished that! and sadly I believe I read all of *drum roll please* 2 books on that very auspicious list.

And I realize it seems that I am self-deprecating (and let's be honest, I kind of am) but I'm more mad at myself then anything.

The truth of the matter is I know that I am capable. And what I keep telling myself is that having just a job to support a lifestyle of travel is what I want. Well then my perfectionist Virgoism (made that one up) kicks in and I want to be THE BEST NO MATTER WHAT! In the end, I get burnt out, resent, then escape. Rinse. Repeat. (9.5.17)

Dear Past Katie,

This sucks. It's pitiful and just depressing. You're are so hard on yourself. Let go and let live. You are on a journey - enjoy these moments, triumph in the things that you do and let go of the shit you don't. Guess what? You moved to Colorado, you have a good job that you enjoy, and you're actually DOING things and ENJOYING things. You have a bucket list that you're working on, one thing at a time. You're considering buying a house. And you have a plan, you may not stick to it but the beauty is this is your life to lead, no one elses'.

Sincerely,
Present Katie (12.23.17)

P.S. I'm proud of you.

P.P.S.You can follow my adventures on http://katiethecoloradotraveler.blogspot.com or instagram.com/thecoloradotraveler 😍

30 Books Before I'm 30

To be fair, I have a ways to go until I hit the big 3-0. I whooping 2 more years and I will hit my mark and because I am working for the library, I am surrounded by books that keep beckoning me to read and enjoy them.

So... I have decided to write a very important list. I list of 30 Books to read before I am 30. Yikes! That's 15 books each year (and I'm starting now at 27 so I have about a month head start :P), roughly a book a month with an extra 3 thrown in.

I wanted to make sure that I had everything from YA to Existentialist dribble. I want to push beyond my own inclinations and read things that I wouldn't normally be into. I also am hoping to increase my desolate and minute vocabulary, simultaneously, building a foundation of great writing but more importantly great story-telling.

Decidedly missing are the "great" American novelists, not that I don't think that they are great or that I don't to some degree see the appeal, I just simply prefer British authors. But I threw a couple in there just for good measure.

Without further ado, these are the books I have decided on:

1. The Stand by Stephen King - Technically, I've already started and am half way through. But, it's a classic and I'm in love and 30 books is a lot.

2. Paper Towns by John Green - Starting it out light ;) but also I'm reading it before I go see the movie and I'm in a little book club and it's the book of the week

3. Middlemarch by George Elliot - I started it, then moved and never picked it back up. It is on almost every top-novel-of-all-time lists and I have it, so there you go. I mean really, English √ Hopelessly Romantic √ Victorian Era √ Long, drawn-out drama √√ I'm already in love.

4. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck - Because you know, it's American lit at its finest... rah rah rah... blah

5. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee - After Steinbeck you need something a little less heavy (pshhh). And Surprise! It's American lit! At the very least I'm trying :)

6. Persuasion by Jane Austen - I know, I know! The shame! I love Austen and I have never read my mom's favorite novel of hers. Yet another 1800s English novelist, what can I say, they're my fave.

7. Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell - Loved the movie, will more than likely love the epic novel.

8. Night by Elie Wiesel - If my best friend says it's her favorite novel, it's going to be good if not great.

9. Ender's Game by Orsen Scott Card - I have heard so much about this series, can't wait to read it.

10. Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky - Here's a big un, I LOVED Notes from the Underground, so I am preparing myself for philosophical awesomeness, bring it on Russian prose.

11. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens - Marry me Charles Dickens! Can't wait for this one :)

12. Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier - I feel like I've read this book but alas I've only seen the movie. And we all know, the books is ALWAYS better than the movie

13. Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger - With a last name like "Niffenegger" it has to be good.

14. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov - Infamous and disturbing, but a classic and quite good I'm told.

15. The Poisonwood Bible by Karen Kingsolver - I'm not really sure why other than it's on Goodreads "100 Books to Read in a Lifetime"

------------- Half way there! Whoop Whoop!---------------

 

16. The Bell Jar by Slyvia Plath - Another American one, I'm trying!!!

 

17. A History of Western Philosophy by Bertrand Russell - NON-FICTION! There you go and I've desperately been wanting to read this. And it's going to happen... before I'm 30.

 

18. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens - Another one? Absofreakinlutely!

 

19. The Color Purple by Alice Walker - Another tragic and disturbing novel? I think so. Great movie, great novel? Yes, I DEFINTELY think so.

 

20. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy - There's those pesky Russian authors again! What have I got to lose!

 

21. A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket - seems fun and engaging and a complete welcome after The Color Purple and Russian lit ;)

 

22. Dune by Frank Herbert - Didn't have many science fiction novels and I figured this would be a great one.

 

23. Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris - Because what the hell, it's [Sardonic] Sedaris... see what I did there? ;)

 

24. Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series by Rick Riordan - After all this, I want FLUFF! Okay? Just give me entertainment! No thinking... just pure, unaltered enjoyment. Thank you.

 

25. The Outlander by Diana Gabaldon - Better than 50 Shades of Grey? Dear God, I hope so because that was some terrible, idiotic tripe. AMIRITE?!

 

 26. City of Thieves by David Benioff - Will this be on a list of the greatest novels of all time? I should think not; however, I crave Russian WWII drama! Gimme, gimme.

 

27. The Green Mile by Stephen King - Love the movie, cannot wait to read the book.

 

28. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini - I read his first novel, The Kite Runner, love at first read. I expect nothing but the best.

29. All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr - Looks fascinating and was a recommendation from a librarian... enough said.

*DRUM ROLL PLEASE - LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEST*

 

30. The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky - Another Russin Lit? I'm picking up on a pattern or maybe it's just that them Russians can WRITE!

 

Okay, let's see if I can make it through this list in one piece! I will let you know how my progress is going.

How Becoming an English Graduate Student Killed my Love for Books

I am only in my first year of grad school and I have come to realize something very major in my life....

I AM NOT READING!!!

Now let me be clear, I am "technically" reading for my coursework HOWEVER the passion, the excitement, the wanderlust is gone from that very sacred ritual I hold so dear and was the driving force behind my decision to become a professor and to share that passion with others.

And it's entirely my fault. You see, I have replaced my imaginative wanderings in made-up worlds written on paper (not some crummy kindle screen) with mindless television dribble. And I'm talking about the worst kind of mindless television dribble... reality tv. Ugh I am so ashamed. Gone are the days of LOTR, Harry Potter, the Brontes, and Charles Dickens. I have reverted back to the adult version of the Teletubbies... Keeping Up With the Kardashians, The Bachelor, and Jersey Shore are some of my favorites. Just writing it down sends cringes down my spine and an automatic gag response.

BUT I KEEP DOING IT!!!

And I think I have figured out why. You see books take time and just a little bit of effort. It is the difference between courting and casually hooking up in relationship terms. And let me tell you something, I've been a bit slutty. I have not allowed myself to be silently wooed and deeply cared for by books. I have not given books time to resonate in my mind, filling it with imagination and passion, I have instead become lazy and passive.  Stress and strain of being a full-time student and a full-time worker have left little time and little effort for anything else but mindless television dribble.

It is time to embrace my love for books again. That is all.

New Year. New Beginnings.

So it's that time again. The New Year always brings about promise of change to your bank account, bad habits, and donut consumption, you know... the usual.

And while often times we begin the year by thinking about all things we would like to change, I want to celebrate the fact that I have accomplished so much in this year.

I will be graduating this semester and feel the burden of getting a career going, much the same as most freshly graduated seniors. However I am determined to take this year to fantastic heights.

My New Year's resolutions in the past looked something like the following:
Lose weight
Save more money
Lose weight
Start a blog (check!)

Stop spending money

Lose weight

Something to that effect and I would feel guilty that another year rolled by without a pound lost or no money saved and nothing to show for the money spent.

This year? I am going to change things around, my (new) New Year's resolutions are:

Give myself grace. room to grow. learn. 

take risks. love more. worry less.

I am very excited that the last year I was able to lose 30 lbs and can graduate with a 3.5 (despite a horrible gpa from LSU) all the while having 3 jobs and working on a thesis.

It's been a growing pains sort of year for me, but so worth it. 2014 is my year.

Anxiety.

I cannot let my anxiety rule my life! Two quotes I need to hear:

"Its not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it." Hans Selye

"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained." Arthur Somers

I am so sorry to the people who I have hurt or ignored. Stress is not an excuse.

Although I am encouraged by all of the wonderful things in my life, I have no idea why I feel the need to sabotage the people in my life I care about the most.

This semester has been extremely stressful but I honestly think out of supreme selfishness - I've seemed to make it worse. It stops right now. I can't keep putting off wonderful friends and family in my life because I am just "too busy" or "too overwhelmed". I don't want to continue the pattern of self-sabotage. I really want to be free from anxiety.

Again to my family, friends, and boyfriend - I am so sorry for the way I have treated you, please know that I am working on it.

And to myself - it's going to be okay.

And to anyone else who struggles with anxiety - please know you are not alone. you are not crazy (well maybe just a tad) God does not make perfect things imperfect. we need to trust that "he will make all things right according to his good will". This is a new day, a new beginning, a new adventure.

Feeling Restless

Lately I have had a feeling of restlessness. I can't really define it. I am graduating with my bachelor's next semester and then planning on getting my master's, hopefully completing it in two years. But I find myself listless.

There are a couple of things right now that I am passionate about: travel, writing, cooking, film, and UFC.

I have this ache in my heart that I am wasting my time. I hope that what I am doing right now is beneficial for me in the future. But I am not so sure.

I just recently watched an interview with one of my favorite MMA fighters, Georges "Rush" St. Pierre. This guys is smart. Like really, really smart. I think anyone who knows what they want to accomplish in life, set out (fear of failure on heart), and do it, is worth at least a slow, polite handclap, followed by an awe-inspired stare, then jealous longing, finally a let's go to YOUTUBE and get distractingly happy again... yikes.

My problem is not lack of want, passion, desire, or even drive. I can work really hard. My problem is I am a perfectionist and if it's not perfect then I tend to runaway, cowardice is fear weakened. I desperately wish that what God has planned for me would land in my lap and allow for the immediate stall of all the silly and insignificant things I am currently doing in my life and re-direct this crazy brain of mine to some glorious new adventure.

There is a quote by Oprah Winfrey that says you know you are doing something you are passionate about when you would be doing it for free. That struck me to the core, because I still have not found this passionate endeavor. I have put my best foot forward for other peoples' dreams and passions, slowly aching and jealous by their drive, silently cheering them on with each small victory, and joining in their sorrow over missed opportunities or small hiccups.

I love that I am able to join in someone's passions: Vicki Ellis' Heritage Ranch, Matt Slack's AV Solutions, SELU's Center for Faculty Excellence and now Dr. Hanson's Digital Humanities. I have learned so much from these individuals and companies, some more pleasant than others, each one I have gained a tremendous amount of knowledge, fortitude, and insight. In all of them I fear that my inadequacies and self-doubt enabled a bumpy and sometimes tumultuous life, filled with stress and anxiety. Maybe that's just how I roll, I don't know.

But what I do know, is that those things were wonderful and I am glad I was able to help push their dreams along, I loved being apart of things really grand. Looking at my pending graduation, I have come to realize that I am in desperate need of a dream worth striving for. I am ready and willing, filled with tools, knowledge, wit, and I hope a little bit of courage.  Here's hoping for the door to be opened, smack me in the head, and God's gentle push through.

Exploring Louisiana

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; 

the wise grows it under his feet.” – James Oppenheim

Reading travel blogs, teachers teaching abroad, has left a deep lingering feeling of want. I have always thought of traveling as some sort of holy and mesmerizing experience in which questions are answered, self-awareness is gained, and new experiences guarantee kindred spirits.

I stare for hours looking at pictures of exotic places. Wishing I could be the one in those pictures, feeling those feelings, eating that delicious food, laughing with beautiful people.

I think we all think it takes leaving a place arriving at another place will evoke such wonderful life. But I realized today, living in South US of A, Louisiana, could be a perfect place to gain a different aspect on culture.

Being from the capital, Baton Rouge, I often complain of too little culture, whatever that means. One relatively short drive I can go to New Orleans, where food, partying, and rich history is of abundance. Another short drive north, I could reach St. Francisville, a beautiful sleepy town, full of azalea bushes, bent oak trees over winding roads twisting and turning until you reach a beautiful plantation home.

I realize I have never been anywhere North Louisiana, and that's sad. I do want to travel around the world, but I do not have to see other countries as the only means to gain insightful wisdom and gain long-term lasting friendships, or short-term life-altering encounters with people.

I can travel in my home state, and experience all it has to offer. My happiness does not lie in distant places but in the place I call home. So from now on, every month, I will take a day trip to travel to at least one city in Louisiana that I have never been to. Wish me luck on these thrilling, insightful explorations. :)